Bipolar

Made it Ma – Top of the World !

 

I abhor speaking ill of the dead, and of that ghastly modern trend to state you were abused by someone now dead as a way of explaining your criminal behaviour.

But……..

I had a very overbearing Mother who had many qualities that were good and noble, but who found herself unable to express softness and overt love, and invariably put me down. To everyone else I was the finest son who ever drew breath but she couldn’t share that with me. I am convinced she thought it was a form of tough love in which I would toughen up and stand on my own two feet. The consequence for me was rather more prosaic – I became aggressive and intolerant taking on her negative views of the world at large.

What I cannot determine is if this stressful upbringing brought on Bipolar – for surely it’s been shown that stress can trigger its onset, or whether I had it, and the upbringing merely supported its excesses.  Guess I will never know, but my instincts definitely tell me that being an only child with a strong willed emotionally cold Mother undoubtedly left me with many scars and an inability to relate maturely to the adult world I was thrust into at University. I thought all arguments were settled by bullying, and if need be, threatening behaviour. But soon realised this was not the person I was inside. For example I felt I was naturally tactile, but boy I had to work at it until it became part of my normal persona. Ditto in arguing – I had to learn to disagree like a grown up. Still working on that!!! – and doubt if I will ever master it.  Depends on where I am in the cycle. If euphoric then I can be sanguine and laugh off upsets, but if dysthymic I can be an unholy terror. My Mother had a way of utterly exasperating you with her childish irrational responses – and too often I act the same way.

I read that these women can suffer from a rarely discussed condition called NPD – Narcisstic Personality Disorder. I will not list the symptoms here but in women it can manifest itself in unhealthy attitudes between mother and son, often characterised as an over abundance of ludicrous praise about looks and /or abilities, but then equally a savage put down too when the mood takes. The poor kid can get a very distorted view of himself. I know of one lady who has a very unhealthy approach that way.

All of this is just speculation on my part since no diagnosis will ever be available to me, but as in the famous Cagney Film – White Heat – the guy is a psychopathic killer who exhibits a complete lack of empathy with anyone’s feelings, but when his Momma scolds him he becomes a baby. Scary, but I know the feeling! How about you?

 

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