Bipolar

Bipolar and schadenfreude

 

It’s a great term isn’t it ? – schadenfreude! Delight in another’s misfortune. Those Germans sure knew what they were about! In one word they express exactly what a shit I can be at times. When low and dysthymic there is joy in looking for misery in others. It’s sort of life reaffirming in a way, and nothing reassures one better when depressed, than learning others are suffering too. I positively revel in it. Not a nice emotion. And in those who I may have cared for, or loved, I will seek out ways in which I can wreck things for them. The need to assuage one’s pain is so marked and necessary, and for a short moment it sustains your own grief.

But it’s illusory, and the smugness one feels soon dissipates to be replaced by self-loathing. When I get kicked the drive to kick back is all consuming. I find one’s senses are often heightened when one is dysthymic, and thus the viciousness reflects the creative treatment one can ‘invent’ in order to ‘get one’s own back’.

Instead of moving on from a failed relationship where you might not have been to blame, you find you cannot, because every waking moment is spent on hoping for, or looking for evidence that they regret it, and are miserable, and have made a huge hash of things since splitting from you. Rarely, if ever, do you survive a relationship loss by being positive and happy for them. You are desperate to find misery in their lives, and even better if it seems their life is even worse than yours.

So much bloody energy wasted on negativity – to what end. I hate it. I’m stable as I write this so I can see the banality of it all and how the nastiness just debases you, but I’m willing to bet that when rejection coincides with dysthymia I will do exactly the same all over again.

Sound familiar?

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